Renewal + Redemption

Thursday, August 11th, 2016

The blog almost got dropped. I changed my name from 2ndandL on Instagram, and deleted my twitter. I deactivated my Facebook, and I just started blocking. The Block Feature, it is not something I run from. Sometimes it needs to happen. Not forever, but sometimes for a season, you’ve got to do what you have to do to move forward. Block. This time it came back to me, it was the topic of conversation, and it got me thrown under the bus by a so-called friend. It’s cool, things happen. Things change, and we’ve all got to do what we have to, to move forward.

Reality Check: Life is about moving on. Moving away from mistakes, learning from them, but not staying in that space. Moving on from sin, repenting, and changing your behavior. Moving on from failures and disappointments, because…if you learned something, it wasn’t a waste of time.

#AllSummer16 : Move On

I was tired, I get tired easily. Life comes so fast. I like structure, I like planning, but that’s not how it works all of the time. I was tired, my feelings were hurt by someone I cared about, and then I was ignored, literally, ignored. Actually, no, not ignored. I got a head nod. It seemed like some slow motion scene from some twisted version of Brown Sugar, without a nice ending.  A head nod, like I was some trick on the street. Writing it, still makes me laugh. But again, it’s cool things happen.

Renewal + Redemption 

God’s perfect plan. As a Christian, I have faced many crossroads where I had to choose between God’s way, and the world’s way. Honestly, I haven’t been doing the best job of choosing God’s way.  When I was sad and needed Him, I’d call. But when I was good and having fun, I was back doing what I wanted. But ya know, God is a God of order, not of confusion. The slope I was going down didn’t seem that slippery. I was good, it was good. Skrrrt. #Godbelike. Every loss, is not a loss. God tends to add, by subtracting…and sometimes that hurts. God tends to shut down things that aren’t in His will.

God is consistent. He is stable, and sure, He is all knowing, and comforting, strict, but kind. He does not give head nods.

So, I was rescued and redeemed. I was given another chance to surrender my plans, and to get my act together. It is not always the easiest, God’s way, that is. But I believe it is worth it. I have been listening to my Audio Bible on the way to and from work, and replenishing my spirit with His world. Repentance – asking for forgiveness and changing my behavior.

I was wrong, I was stressed, I was tired. I was compromising, and becoming delusional. I started to feel like I was competing with something, I was comparing my journey.

We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise.” 2 Cor 10:12

I began to question God’s will. God does not contradict Himself. The word of God will never contradict the word of God, and vice versa. Spared. again. My foolish self, was spared. Forgiven, and redeemed.

Sad sometimes, yea. But God is faithful, so faithful. What is for you, is for you.

No more head nods, unless I’m bowing my head in prayer.

Renewal + Redemption

Firefly, fly.



PYP, PYT.

Thursday, August 4th, 2016

Processed with VSCO with c3 preset

It hurt, not like hell, but it hurt.

It didn’t hurt as much as forgotten peace and lack of sleep, but it hurt.

It didn’t hurt as much as being disrespected, but it hurt.

People don’t know anything anyway. Well, I won’t speak for you, but I don’t know much. I sense a lot though.

Those senses, they’re usually right.

When I dream a lot, things are about to change. When I start feeling anxious and unbalanced, things are about to change.

Hey, change…I see you coming again. Let’s go.

Do unto others, not what they do to you.

We all have demons we didn’t ask for, and angels we take for granted.

Needles, in skin…each prick, and pinch. Scarred, but it came out beautifully.

Under pressure, diamonds made. Made.

It hurt, not like hell, but it hurt.



No Words

Thursday, August 4th, 2016

Found in Google Docs, with many other word spurts, spreadsheets and kind notes I sent to others to help them along the way, and words of love when my heart was pure. I used to be so helpful, I really do love people’s stories. When the dust settles, all we have are our stories.

I am not good, but I try to be.

No Words

Written May 2013, Edited August 2016

Silent tears in a dark room…lying beside a shadowless wall.

Alone, but not alone…still, the only silhouette is my own.

I need some space, but I have too much room. Scales

I need clearer air, yet I keep spraying perfume, the expensive kind.

I wanted a heart, and I wanted it soon, things seemed simpler without it

It seems like I wanted it at a distance…as if it was a figurative moon. Product of October.

Strength is relative, and weakness isn’t real

Sometimes wounds are bandaged, before they have time to heal.

Distractions come quick, and when you least expect

Obstacles are added right when you take a minute to rest.

I smile because  Im supposed to, and make my hair look nice

I enjoy the company…but Im still by myself when I turn off the lights

Feelings are unpredictable, and the weather can always change

Taking in the surprises, trying to enjoy the ride

Im trying to steer a boat, but it gets overtaken by the tide.

You asked me to leave my battle and join your army to win the war

but even if the war is won, it seems like we are walking through separate doors.

You teach me the skills I need, and wisdom beyond our age

You teach me how to shoot, but the target is out of my range.

A corporate strategy, with an artistic heart

I cant seem to focus on the love, bc Im so busy trying to learn how to play my part.

I hate to love, I love to hate

Its easier to walk the other way, than squeeze through a half opened gate.

I was looking for myself, and you found me lost

But did you consider you finding me would come at such a cost.

Im not angry, hurt perhaps.

I cant stay up all night, if you dont allow me to take naps.

I had a false sense of security before…and now I have less…

Im getting tired, but there is no time to rest.

I smile because Im supposed to, and make my hair look nice

But I never buy a car, without first looking at the price.

No words.



Sanctuary: When it’s supposed to work, it will

Friday, May 20th, 2016

 

Sanctuary - noun. The protection that is provided by a safe place.”
Sanctuary, safe place, silence, and solace. Sanctuary, the destination. Watered grass is green, not the grass on the other side. The process, trust it. The watering, is worth it.  The beauty is where the struggle is, and the beauty is where there is sanctuary. Sanctuary is found, lost, and has always been there.  It is beautiful, and it is pure. On the path of self-discovery and at the onset of change, things can become blurry. Desire and  delusion, wants versus needs, and urgent versus important. But, sanctuary. Sanctuary- safe place. Consistently, safe. Not hot today and cold tomorrow. It did not build you up yesterday, to tear you down tomorrow. Sanctuary, it is constant, it is always there.

Sanctuary, it doesn’t move, but it does change. It evolves and it uplifts, but it does not disappear. When you call, it will pick up. Sanctuary; mature and mindful, motivating and marvelous. Sanctuary, it is not earned, and it is not deserved; it is given, and should be cherished. Sanctuary; it won’t tell you you aint shit, even if it thinks it, it will not close the door in front of your face, even if you refuse to walk in. Sanctuary; protection. It does not hurt, but it is scary. It is not scary because it intends to be. A shock, a reality that seems too good to be true. But it is yours. It is yours to find, and it is yours to keep. Sanctuary. It is not a prison, it will not hold you back, it will give you things you need, and things that you are not sure you want. Peace and patience. Prized and precious; sanctuary.

The closest thing to God, the highest expression of love. Selfless, and serene…but scary, yes. It is not deserved, and it is not earned…it is given, and it is realized. Sanctuary; it does not boast; it does not yell. It is not easily angered. Sanctuary; the process, trust it. Sanctuary had to find itself, as you had to find it. Evolving with experience, but safe; always. Sanctuary, always ready, even when you are not. It is not mean, it knows herself, but it is still a work in progress. It has been abused, and misused; but still…safe. It is misunderstood, it is laughed at, it is played and left at bay. But it is. Existing; mature and mindful, motivating and marvelous.

Sanctuary; not for show, not always seen, not always heard, and not always valued. Silent prayers and realized dreams. Exactly what you didn’t know you needed. Not so quick to judge, symbiotic, and serene. Sanctuary; knows too much, sees all, but must say little. Sanctuary; scary. There is no bar or standard, it cannot be compared. Mistakes won’t take it away, but they will make tit pray. Sanctuary; it is not earned, and it is not deserved, it is given. It will work, when it’s supposed to.

Smile, sanctuary.



To my Bestfriend, Courage

Wednesday, May 18th, 2016

I am courageous most often, and I am scared as hell too. I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing.  I plan, and I think, and I plan again. If these same skills didn’t pay my bills, I’d really consider getting rid of them. I tend to make good decisions. Tend. I, however, am not so good at going with the flow. At the beginning of any conquest, I assess the pros and cons, probability of failure, and what that impact will be. Did I say, I have no clue what I’m doing? I know what I’m good at. I know what I’m not. I don’t know what I could be good at, but that’s what I’m trying to figure out.

I do not know everything, but I know too much. I know how to be good to people, and I know how to stop. I know how to love people, and I never stop. I think too much, must often about things that are not mine to think on. I am here again at 25.5; trying to find a happy medium. The balance of scales.

I know courage, we’re best friends. Though, somewhere between there and here, I forgot him. I didn’t lose him, I just got lost. With everything that was going on, and life’s fast changes, I forgot courage. Everything is always going to change. That’s how it works, life. Courage, is what got me here, and courage is what will get me to the next point. Fear and courage can not rest pleasantly in the same home. They can not coexist. Things are scary, but are often not as big as we make them.

I have a pretty good idea about who I am, and what I don’t like. Actually, I know all too well, what I don’t like. It is the process of figuring out what I do like that seems to be the challenge. Complicated, I am, but not overly. Trial and error, falling and getting back up (literally). Courage. I saw a quote the other day that read, “Be patient with yourself, you are discovering parts of yourself that you’ve never met.” Or something like that.

I had hoped that things would be different, I dreamt of simpler days, of things just making sense, and that being ok. Not yet, not so simple, it is not time for that. The fascinating thing about hope, is that you don’t ever have to let it go. Hope. Simple, no, not yet. Now is the time to be complicated, but not the time to be careless.

Careless, no. Not me. I can’t, somewhere between hope, haughtiness and fear of failure, I can not be careless. I mean a lot to myself, and so they’ve said, I mean a lot to other people. For this reason, I care. I ask ‘How are you?,’ and I say, ‘please and thank you.’ No one owes you anything, you know? But it is ok to care.

This is a love note, a quirky, all over the place, “I love you.” To my best friend, Courage. I met you once, and then I met you again and again, and again. I forgot you at times, but I never left. I’ve been hiding from you. Well, maybe not hiding, but staying busy with other things that you don’t like, worry, and doubt. It’s just a season, I am growing, I do not always know in my heart what I know in my mind. Everything that happens to me, I feel one hundred fold. Everything that I happen to, also feels me, one hundred fold. It is not you, courage, it is me. I am not sorry that I got lost. I’m not sorry that I lost you. I am ecstatic that you have found me again. To my best friend, courage.



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